Hello,
how are you? I hope you guys are doing just fine! I’m here totally fine because
I’m on holiday at the moment. And guess what, I’m having 1,5 months of holiday!
I’m so thankful that I can rest TT---TT And, it’s been almost a year for me to
not post here. I am so sorry T^T I even couldn’t post about my 20th
birthday :( I
am truly sorry :(
*bows*
Anyway,
firstly, let me apologize because I’ve never been on this blog lately. You
know, 4th term was a really hard for me to pass. Assignments seemed
to be endless, people were being annoying—begged me to do some of their tasks,
homesick problems, etc. it was really tough for me. I don’t know how many time
I’ve been crying because of it.
But!
Now its all okay! My score for this term has announced already, and the result
isn’t bad. To be honest, it is better than my previous terms. I am so happy.
Thank you for your supports!
As
what I’ve said earlier, there was so
many things that have happened on my latest term. If you don’t mind, I’d like
to share my story when I’m not around. (Please
get prepared, it might be a long post!)
***
A.
Problems
In this section, I want
to share my most-common-problems that
I have to get through. I am sure, that I am not the only one that have to pass
these shits. So, here we go:
1.
Study
My 4th term
was exactly started around February-March. I prepared myself before this
started—prepared to be a better person in my campus. I promised myself to be a
nice and friendly(ier) person, so that everyone will notice and get along with
me more. And, yes, my college life went much better than my previous terms. I
was so happy.
Do you ever realize, that
college life is actually more enjoyable than our times in school? Like, in a
blink of an eye, you become freer—moreover, you now live far from your family.
Sure, I feel it too. But, in college, there will be more burdens to handle:
everlasting assignments and forceful tests. You have to get high scores. You
have no choice. In my country, high scores are the main thing that you have to
achieve—no matter how.
Because of it, I often
feel tired of everything, everyone, myself… It gave me ache to my head, my
body… I am not being hyperbolic or anything, I am being honest. I spent most of
my nights doing those never-ending assignments (which the deadlines are usually
next week after the announcement), studying for tomorrow’s subjects, even
sleeping at 3am almost every night. During that time, I often reassured myself
that what I’ve been doing is my responsibility as a student. I supported
myself, that these stuffs will be over soon. I believed in my ability, because
I am a good student as long as I’ve become a student for these past 14 years.
But, you know, sometimes
you’ll be very tired and sick and loathed because of the same routines that you
do every single day. That’s exactly what I’ve felt. I became so desperate and
pathetic, though I’ve already made sure that I would never be that kind of
person.
That feeling then made me
becoming a fake person. I acted like
a really healthy and helpful person, while my mind and heart were sick.
In short, I became
horrible.
2.
People
I am 90% sure that you
know that being super fine to people is my biggest problem and my #1 common
thing that I’ve shared here in this blog. Trust me, I’m really bad on this. So
that’s why I made up my mind and tried to be a friendlier person so that I can
be acceptable in this society, especially in this campus.
And yes, that went very
well. People started to smile a lot at me, waved at me when we met, talked with
me in break time, and other normal things to socialize in general. Even so, I
still made some “space” to some people. Like, people that I’m not comfortable
with. But I still talked to them. You know, intermezzo.
The thing that made me
really pissed off was, those “people-that-I-don’t-hang-around-so-much”
were starting to get closer slowly. I was fine at first, but then they
started to be annoying, like, “Dea, can
you make an opening script for my team (even though you [me] are not in my
[their] team)?”. Or, “Dea, would you
like to do two of my assignments? I will pay you for $10 later. Please?”. I
even have experienced a creepy thing. One night, around 11pm, my door was
knocked by my friend at my campus. He was just like, “Dea, Dea, Dea…” He kept calling my name, but I didn’t answer. I
was too terrified to answer, I nearly cried at that moment. It was really
unexpected and terrifying! TT---TT
Like, what the actual fukc? My kindness will
be paid with me doing their assignments for $10?! No, no way. I will gladly
help you a bit but not making those assignments tho. It’s like, they look down
at me. They disrespect me. How could lazy and annoying and loud people like
them haven’t become extinct yet? Like, why you go to college if you don’t do
your responsibility?
I was (am) so done with
those kind of human. Like, really.
3.
Myself
To be honest, I often
talk to myself. I often share my problems with myself. I almost never tell my
problems except to people I am really close with. I believe, that I will be
able to overcome all things that happened to me—good nor bad. It’s my life, after all.
Unfortunately, I was (am)
seldom to share beautiful things that have happened in my life. I don’t know
but I feel like I preferred to complain about the things that made me pissed. I
judged everyone (silently) if the group projects didn’t go as planned, and it
dragged me to hatred. I became mad (silently) when my plans didn’t work as what
I wanted because of the conditions. And most of it, I often blamed myself when
everything went wrong, just like when I got unsatisfying score, when I fell
from motorcycle, when I failed… I always felt that it’s all my fault (I still
think so).
It made my mind becoming
way more skeptical, dirtier, and… negative. I often see everything from the
negative side instead from the positive’s. It made me hurting myself slowly
from the inside. Made myself to feel that I’m not worth this life. Made me want
to kill myself because my soul never get positive energy.
I made myself weak. And
when I said I nearly killed myself, trust me, it happened.
***
B.
How
to Deal with It
They said, every problem
has its own cure. And for me, these things can lead me (or even you!) to get
out from those “most-common-problems”.
So, take a look!
1.
Get
Out
From now, whenever I feel
like I want to kill someone or having a terrible headache because of study or
people, I will grab my motorcycle key and go outside alone. I often go to my
favorite bookstore, or spend 3 hours at my favorite café—reading my unfinished
Hercule Poirot’s series. I also sometimes go to cinema to watch newest movies
alone. Being alone is sometimes (often for me! Lol) the best medicine when you
are in the bad mood. It is way better than you look for random people to listen
to your shitty problems. Trust me, they don’t care!
If you don’t like hanging
around with yourself, you can spend a good time with your best friends, or
those who have your trust. Like, having a chit-chat together, or even go to a
karaoke bar! It’s fun, and karaoke-ing is really a stress-reliever! XD
Well, that’s my first
advice. You need to get a fresh air outside your gloomy dorm.
2.
Find
Something New
When you get out, I’m
sure that there will be lots of new things that happened and might interest
you. Like, when you’re just alone at the mall, you saw the latest trend for
that very moment. Or even you’re just sightseeing at the town square, you saw
some communities that you haven’t known before. Or maybe when you’re just surfing the internet
and suddenly another interesting “world” caught
your eyes.
That’s exactly what I
meant. Go outside your comfort zone and find something new!
For a skeptical person
like me, it’s kinda hard for me to find some new stuffs and hobby. I calculate
too much, you know? Like, “What if this
won’t work to me?” or, “Oh, God. New
people…” or, “What’s my benefit if I
joined this club?” , etc, etc…
But then! I slapped
myself (inside my mind, not real, hahaha). How can I move forward if I am too afraid to
try something new? How can I survive my gloomy mind if I don’t try to give a
shot of positive energy to myself?
 |
| visit my instagram for more toygraphy! |
And, I finally took my
first step. I am so in love with macro photography, especially toys photography,
and started doing my “so-so” toygraphy.
And, when I was just scrolling my instagram timeline, I saw a post that there’d
be a gathering of the toy photographers in Jogja. I was too excited and decided
to contact the admin. The admin—who is the leader of this community, was so
kind. He introduced me to other awesome toy photographers and they welcomed me warmly. I was so happy. And since
I’m very new to this hobby, they even guided me how to take pictures nicely,
how to edit it, and so on. It was my very first time for joining a community outside
my college. And it feels so good!
There is no harm to try
something new as long as it gives you positive vibes. Now I’m starting to join
some foreign language clubs and taking a Japanese course. Besides of giving you
good vibes, doing new things like this can make you forgetting your problems
for a while—in an exclusive way, of course (I
mean, forgetting problems by improving your hidden skills? Come on, nothing’s
cooler than that!).
3.
Be Happy
This last advice might be
the easiest thing to do. But, it is not! I mean, what’s the main factor of you
(oh, well, me too) being easily offended,
upset, or even madly sad for the most of your days?
Yes, you got it. That’s
because you (me too, me too) are
rarely to give a full-cupped of happiness—to yourself nor to anyone.
Oops, another question
comes: “How to be happy when my life is so hard to survive?”
When you get out, and
when you start to enjoy your new life, you often forget to celebrate how good
it feels to be yourself. Sometimes you need to praise yourself for
being like that. Get yourself a reward, like, buying a new novel,
maybe? Or maybe just treat yourself at Starbucks to drink a cup of frappe after
a long day of work. It all starts from you.
I said that you should
praise yourself sometimes, but what’s more important is, praise your God more
often. We mostly forget to say, “Thank
You, God, for always being here when nobody else does.” We even rarely say,
“Thank You, God, I still can wake up with
your blessings.” What we usually
say? “God, why you do this to me?! Am I
not good enough?!”
Hey!! Wake up! Look what
has your God done to you all along. A warm family, good friends around you, beautiful
nature, your brain, even this free air that we call with Oxygen. God has given you the best things in the world that you can
enjoy. Why you keep complaining how your life is a mess? Dude, if your life is
a mess, wake up and clean those shits up! Life might not work as you wish, but
you still have Him, right? Start to be thankful and have positive
thoughts of Him more and your life will be better than it used to be. It
works. It really does.
Even though being happy starts
within your command, you can be happy when you’re thankful. Besides by strengthen
your “relationship” between you and your God, thankful can be done by giving.
Giving—physically or not,
won’t make you poor. Spend a little from your savings to help the homeless, or
the orphans, or people out there, will not make you a pauper. For me, giving
and helping each other can reduce your negatives. It really feels good, and
super relieving to know that we are helpful to others. When you feel like you
want to give a hand to others, just do it. Don’t deny it. Chances sometimes won’t
come twice. Who knows, that pity kid that you gave a Happy Meal yesterday will
always remember your kindness? Who knows, that little money that you found
inside your pocket could be such a blessing to that homeless old man that you saw
on the street today?
It shares positive vibes to
others. You’re happy, so are they. What can be more precious than that?
***
OK
guys. Maybe that’s all that I can give you for now. I hope this post which
contains 2291 words can be helpful for you and anyone who read this. Always be
a kind, positive, and happy person. It’s not a choice, it’s a must to make
yourself better day by day.
Cheers,
Dea
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