Being Fake?

Hello, guys, how are you? I'm so sorry that I've just posted something on this blog for a long time! I've been busy with college life and right now I'm joining an English course to prepare my TOEFL test. wish me luck! >_<

Anyway, along with this post I'm gonna share my thoughts about most of people (especially those who are in the same age like me) that I've met. You know, I am not that kind of person who likes to socialize a lot. I mean, yeah, I love having friends but I prefer to have a few friends who love me just the way I am. It's not like I don't like to be judged, but, I prefer a long and loyal friendship.

Since I studied here far from my hometown, I've met so many people from different places, and I went along well with them. But sometimes I think that this kind of college life just force you to be an active person who loves to hang out everyday, making new friends everyday, becoming famous so you'll be noticed by other students, having a long conversation even though it's pointless... For adaptation, I tried to be nice to everyone, and it worked. And as the time went by, I showed them that I love learning English and Japanese. I told them my hobbies; such as writing, reading, watching anime, drawing comics... But then what? They started to see me as a weirdo--as a nerd who likes those Japanese stuffs. I thought if I become nice, they'll become nice too, eh? But I was wrong.

Sometimes I just feel like, I belong to nowhere. I am a quiet person. I prefer to think before I talk. I prefer to express my thoughts by texts or drawings. I prefer to have a good conversation with person that makes me comfortable. I prefer to listen than talk.

When you leaked your true self, they judge you--meanwhile they said, "Be yourself. You're always welcome here!" What the hell? You only approve those who are able to talk without thinking. You only value those who are famous and pretty. You only see me as people who is below you. But in fact, you are the one who need me the most.

I mean, "Why?". Why do they appreciate those good looking people with an empty knowledge to be late at a meeting? Why do they say that being way on time is odd? Why do they love those famous bitches at campus? Why? You think if you adore them so much, you can be as famous as them?

Screw you. You are so desperate.

* * *

Well, I have a story that I want to tell you, guys. It's related to this post tho.Take a look:

I have had a good friend (I thought it was, but lel). She's so pretty and she got famous everywhere. No doubt that she's welcome everywhere. Meanwhile me? People just saw me as an anime lover who is not interesting at all. But me and her kept getting along well and I usually became a team with her. But then, I realized that every time we had some assignments, I was the only one who worked hard to finish it. I did it because I think they saw me as an individualistic shit (and I think I am) and they believed that I could do it (and I could). I kept doing that until the 2nd term ended last month. And guess what? They didn't thank you. SHE event didn't say "thank you".

And now, in my 3rd term, I feel like I completely have no good friends. I have friends: friends in need, not  friends indeed. Right now, to decrease my guiltiness, I usually spend a day for myself, just like blogging like this, going to public library, buying some good novels, etc. With doing what makes you comfortable will make you happier even just a bit.

* * *

Sometimes, I really hate myself. I blame myself for everything. I blame myself why can't I be like them. I blame myself why those people just see me from the things that they don't like. I am so confused, why can't I talk much as them. Why can't I fake all of my actions, all of my words so I can be one of them.

But then, I found that I am one of a kind. If I just be like them, I'm no longer special. I won't be able to express what I love. My creativity, my hobbies, they will have a little space in this huge place called myself. I will be too busy to arrange a fake scenario every single day so I can make myself perfect in their eyes. And, is being fake a good option to be approved? Don't you think being someone else is the thing that hurts you the most?

Hey, dear readers. Don't even try to be someone else. Don't ever be sorry for being you. You are you. Chin up. Keep your head up. Be confident. Have a faith in yourself that you're needed. You'll be needed. If you feel mad at those scumbags who mock you, smile--smile happily from the bottom of your heart. Trust me, they hate it ;)

And, I have something important to tell you, dear readers: Dream big. Have a dream, arrange those goals that you want to achieve in your life. Isn't it fun? While they are busy saying blah blah blah to you, you're on your way to a bright future. Remember, success is the best revenge above all. You have to prove them that they're wrong. Show them that you're useful to others, just the way you are. You're needed by your own way.

Finally, maybe only this that I can share to you guys tonight. Whenever you feel down, motivate yourself that you have to wake up from this nightmare. Fight them. Don't stop dreaming just because you had a nightmare. You can get through this. You're way stronger than them who keep talking without points, okay?

You are you.
Love yourself. Believe in yourself. You are awesome. You are real.


Cheers,
Dea.